


Imposter Syndrome

by gisho



Series: Background Characters [8]
Category: Girl Genius
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Meta, Mid-Canon, Secret Identities, wulfenbach valois heterodyne
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-07-29 20:30:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16271783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gisho/pseuds/gisho
Summary: Wherin three soldiers debate hidden identities. (Written for GG Event Week 2018.)





	Imposter Syndrome

\--

"They say there was a pink one too."

"Pink what?"

"Pink Lady Heterodyne, you ass. Before the battle. Flew into town, right, and announced she was their mistress and walked right into Castle Heterodyne."

"And never walked out again, I expect."

"Nobody said. Don't ask me, I wasn't there."

"Pfeh. Nobody's ever there. It's all just rumours."

"I was there."

"You ... you're joking, right?"

"Nope. 'Twas at the Great Hospital. She showed up in a pink airship and landed right in the middle of town. And what became of her after I havn't the foggiest notion, so don't ask."

"See, I was right. There _was_ a pink one."

"It's just ..."

"Just what? Out with it, oh ye of little faith."

"Faith's not my job. I'm the clank driver. She's the gunner. And you're the quartermaster. That makes zero chaplains."

"Apparently you're also the pedant."

"You got me. Someday I'll drive right over the whole rest of the regiment, ranting all the while about how they deserved it for what they said about the serial comma."

"Heh."

"But really, nobody was _expecting_ the lost Heterodyne heir to be a girl."

"She has a point. 'Twere a dozen fakes before that, and all boys."

"How d'you know that? You study up for drinking with your mates?"

"Went to Mechanicsburg on holiday, didn't I. Saw one of them marching in. All big brass trilobites and great big smile, and he walked right up the causeway and pounded on the door. It opened up for him, sure enough. And everybody in the square was laughing and joking and making bets, and I was watching their eyes. That selfsame afternoon, it was, he came back out the gate. Most of him. He'd left the head behind. I made twenty marks on the poor lad and I drank it all that night."

"Um."

"So maybe someone thought the Castle wanted a girl, right?"

"Makes as much sense as anything. I wonder where she got the airship."

"Stole it?"

"And what, asked nicely for the crew?"

"Could be she bewitched them. Slaver wasps aren't the only way to turn a man's mind."

"You mean, like seducing them? Please tell me you mean seducing them."

"Nay. I mean ... other ways."

"You needn't be so ominous, Corporal, we know what you meant. And I say that proves the poor girl was deluded. The Baron wouldn't stand for that sort of thing."

"Not when other people do it, anyway."

"What, lass? Took the wasp inoculation like the rest of us, you did. Did it leave aught in your brain?"

"Not that I _know about_ , but you wouldn't know, would you? Not until the Baron told you to do something and you started to salute without knowing why."

"Right, now, that's just getting paranoid."

"No, paranoid would be if I said the Baron was an imposter who'd used mind control on the old Baron to make him acknowledge the imposter as his heir, and there was never such a person as Gilgamesh Wulfenbach."

"Now that one I can refute from improbable personal knowledge. I met one of the Baron's students, it was two years ago now, right after he was announced."

"That's two-and-three-quarter years, not two."

"Pedant. Anyhow, we talked a little about the news and she said, it was amazing, she'd never have suspected the Gil she knew was a Wulfenbach."

"A~ha! Maybe he wasn't! Maybe it was a different person entirely!"

"Are ye drunk? The sixth False Dmitri he's not. He looks like the old Baron, too. Same hair."

"All madboys have wild hair, it comes of the lightning. But you have to admit the Corporal has a point, don't you."

"Sparks can make themself look different. I had a boy cousin once who went off to Paris for a year and came back a girl. Are you trying to tell me one wouldn't give somebody weird hair so he could take over Europa?"

"But if your heart you'd set on it, for some reason, why settle for Baron Wulfenbach? You could be the returning Storm King. Armies of folksong-listeners you'd have at your beck and call. All the ones who remember the Storm King is supposed to come back."

"But then you'd have to work to conquer the Empire. Gilgamesh Wulfenbach got it on a silver platter."

"Besides, there'd be competition. 'Taint as if there aren't plenty of descendants of old Andronicus about the place."

"Really? Have you ever met one?"

"Oh, aye. Fellow who ruled the village I grew up in. Figured he was lying, we all did. Too nice and twice again too sensible."

"Huh. Did he have red hair?"

"Blond."

"Right, he can't have Valois blood then. Everyone knows they all have red hair."

"That is _not how heredity works!_ "

"Easy, lass."

"I'm sorry, but that's just stupid. Even Andronicus's children might have taken after their mothers. And there's been what, nine generations since then? There are probably perfectly real descendants of Andronicus Valois who look like they just got off a boat from China. Blond isn't even weird."

"You know ... "

"Out with it, Quartermaster. Don't taunt us."

"Everybody knows the Valois had red hair, right. So if I were trying to declare myself Storm King, I'd dye it."

"Uh."

"Hmmm."

"You're not secretly descended from Andronicus or anything?"

"Ceres forbid. Farmers and craftsmen since time immemorial."

"Well, good. I'd hate to have to shoot you for threatening the Baron's peace."

"Which Baron exactly would this be?"

"The one who pays us. I don't care if he's an alligator disguised as a human, he does the most important thing."

"Good point. A toast to whoever Baron Wulfenbach is!"

"Aye!"

"A toast to the Baron!"

"And if the Heterodyne Girl is the real thing, that bloodline's more important, right. No point worrying about who she's marrying so long as it's a Spark. I'll say one thing for those statues, there'll be no more imposter Heterodyne Girls. I wonder what happened to the pink one?"

"Dead, most likely. They say Castle Heterodyne is alive. I don't think it takes well to intruders. Impaled on a spike somewhere, or head chopped off, or just shut up in a tiny little room while the walls ... slowly ... close in ..."

"Why are you always so morbid?"

"I'm Irish."

"So you are. _Hey._ "

"What now?"

" _You_ have red hair. Want to proclaim yourself Storm King?"

"Dunno. Wouldn't get many followers."

"Aww, we'd help out."

"Three is all you need, right? True companions."

"A deal, then. Second time they miss our pay, we overthrow the Empire."

"Right. Should only take a few centuries before that happens."

"I'll be the True Heterodyne Girl."

\--


End file.
